I don’t know if that’s worse. [Bitter.] Otherwise it’s me, he chose to keep that shit from me. Having to piece together his life from his brother, from little bits when he was drunk or hurt. Shit he’d say in his sleep.
[She breathes a long, aggravated sigh, running both hands through her hair.]
But he was with me for ten years, what kind of sociopath does that?
[Fuck. He shakes his head and runs a hand through his beard, unconsciously mirroring her with her hands in her hair.]
Some things... some things are so difficult to talk about that you can't. Especially with people that matter to you.
I don't know the fella. I might well be wrong. But I... [He takes a deep breath, and for this he can't meet her eyes. He told Rains Fall, but he thought he was dying, then. And the old man had something about him that just made Arthur talk. But he can't remember who he'd talked to about this with after he'd gotten back to Dutch and Hosea that first time.]
Well, I had a kid, too. Once. And I had... I had a lot of pain and fear that I never talked to no one about, besides that. And it weren't a good thing, that I didn't. But I could understand part of it.
[Tess doesn’t reply for a moment, still pacing, but she stops at the counter and leans her elbows on it and slouches there for a moment. Of course. Of course Arthur knows something of that too, because he knows something of everything.]
It fucked him up, it fucked me up, it’ll fuck Ellie up, too. Maybe already has.
[He'll prove both things: that it's hard, and that it's hard to talk about it with people you care about. He cares about Tess, and it's damn hard to talk about this with her.
He clenches his jaw and hunches his shoulders, but he obliges her.]
Some lowlife robbed the house his mom and him lived in. Killed 'em both. All for a lousy ten dollars.
Didn't find until they was already buried.
[This is so goddamn hard, but he's willing himself to keep going. To show her.]
[She watches him, still quietly fuming, but hurting too, for herself and Arthur and maybe even Joel a little too. It’s a world away from anything she could relate to, but maybe that’s on her and Joel too: spending ten years with a man who couldn’t love her enough to make her a wife, a mother. Things she might have wanted if it felt like there was any hope for the world.
Arthur gives her more honesty in one conversation than Joel manages in a year, and that cuts deep.]
His kid died in his arms after getting shot on Outbreak Day. But ten dollars? I don’t know how you have faith in anyone after that.
Jesus. [He mutters it, shaking his head. Hard as his situation was, by now he just lets it underline how hard other people's situations can be. But he knows it wasn't always like that.]
I didn't. Just Dutch and Hosea and John, and even those-- I hated 'em. For not having had to deal with that loss. And John, he went away for a year after Jack was born. Hated him for that. Abandoning what he had.
[ And she means that genuinely, but her gaze doesn’t quite meet his eyes, and then she looks away entirely. She wishes, bitterly, that she felt any less cold than she can accuse Joel of being.]
I know everyone’s fucked up, me included, but I just know I’m gonna be pissed if he could get it together for some kid but not for me.
...Yeah. Yeah, Tess, you're damn right to be angry about that.
[He kind of needs something, himself- but he'd wanted to embrace her from that first moment. He turns so he's facing her where she's leaning on the counter, and puts his hand on hers.]
You spent a lot of time with that man. You ought to've...
Gotten from him what you wanted from him. Be it intimacy, or just the honesty of a good friend. Maybe it was your world, or it was his own damn head keepin' that from you, but you shoulda had it.
[He reaches out a little further, slipping a hand to the back of her neck. It's the closest he usually comes to an embrace, his fingertips rough against her skin.]
I think he missed the hell out of you, Tess. He must've. Even if it was just the knowledge someone out there got him the way you got him.
[Arthur's likely not wrong, she knows that. Doubtful he actually moved on, just buried it deep. Her, his daughter, his ex-wife, all buried together in one man's memory graveyard.
His hand feels nice. She doesn't pull away.]
Yeah. All those years together and he didn't have anyone like he had me. Most reliable man I ever had until now, too.
I know it was a long shot, but I really thought he'd get the kid to the Fireflies.
[And that doesn't feel enough to her. She looks at Arthur plainly.]
But there's no reason it had to stop there. There'd gotta be someone in the fucking country who can use her. There's always more Fireflies, there's more QZs, there has to be someone... but he just settled with her in Wyoming.
You’re not supposed to get attached to cargo, that’s why you say cargo and not Ellie. Not supposed to get attached to your fucking partner either though, so joke’s on me.
And you don't know what happened after you died. Cargo's cargo- until you ain't got your partner no more, and there's a scared kid you gotta take care of.
He took that kid from Boston to fucking Wyoming on foot because I told him to. I know that’s what happened. But what pisses me off is that after ten years he was still playing head games with me about not getting attached, but then in less than a year he goes and adopts a kid.
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[In the heat of the moment it’s easy to hate him. Easier to throw things.
She paces away, storming around like a zoo animal.]
I was right to keep him at arm’s length. Obviously that’s how it always was for him. Just... just business.
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Maybe so. Maybe that's how it was for him.
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[She breathes a long, aggravated sigh, running both hands through her hair.]
But he was with me for ten years, what kind of sociopath does that?
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Some things... some things are so difficult to talk about that you can't. Especially with people that matter to you.
I don't know the fella. I might well be wrong. But I... [He takes a deep breath, and for this he can't meet her eyes. He told Rains Fall, but he thought he was dying, then. And the old man had something about him that just made Arthur talk. But he can't remember who he'd talked to about this with after he'd gotten back to Dutch and Hosea that first time.]
Well, I had a kid, too. Once. And I had... I had a lot of pain and fear that I never talked to no one about, besides that. And it weren't a good thing, that I didn't. But I could understand part of it.
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It fucked him up, it fucked me up, it’ll fuck Ellie up, too. Maybe already has.
[She saw it on her face.
She takes a deep breath.]
What happened to your kid?
[Prove it’s so hard.]
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He clenches his jaw and hunches his shoulders, but he obliges her.]
Some lowlife robbed the house his mom and him lived in. Killed 'em both. All for a lousy ten dollars.
Didn't find until they was already buried.
[This is so goddamn hard, but he's willing himself to keep going. To show her.]
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Arthur gives her more honesty in one conversation than Joel manages in a year, and that cuts deep.]
His kid died in his arms after getting shot on Outbreak Day. But ten dollars? I don’t know how you have faith in anyone after that.
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I didn't. Just Dutch and Hosea and John, and even those-- I hated 'em. For not having had to deal with that loss. And John, he went away for a year after Jack was born. Hated him for that. Abandoning what he had.
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[ And she means that genuinely, but her gaze doesn’t quite meet his eyes, and then she looks away entirely. She wishes, bitterly, that she felt any less cold than she can accuse Joel of being.]
I know everyone’s fucked up, me included, but I just know I’m gonna be pissed if he could get it together for some kid but not for me.
[And deep down, she already knows it’s true.]
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[He kind of needs something, himself- but he'd wanted to embrace her from that first moment. He turns so he's facing her where she's leaning on the counter, and puts his hand on hers.]
You spent a lot of time with that man. You ought to've...
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Ought to have what, pushed him harder?
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Gotten from him what you wanted from him. Be it intimacy, or just the honesty of a good friend. Maybe it was your world, or it was his own damn head keepin' that from you, but you shoulda had it.
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The world, his head, me, all of it. He was my partner, he had his ways, I know it could have happened if things were different.
[But they weren’t. Never will be.
She wipes at her eyes with her free hand, still feeling aggravated, not wanting to be sad for even a second.]
It’s never going to be different. Ellie’s here to get him back, and even if she does that, he had a whole new life there. I don’t factor in.
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What d'you think he'd say, if he was here with you right now?
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He'd tell me I'm smarter than all this. The conversation would be over long before now. Maybe he'd kick me out.
[Which sucks to admit, but it's true.]
And then tomorrow I'd drop by again and we'd pick back up and pretend it never happened at all.
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I think he missed the hell out of you, Tess. He must've. Even if it was just the knowledge someone out there got him the way you got him.
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His hand feels nice. She doesn't pull away.]
Yeah. All those years together and he didn't have anyone like he had me. Most reliable man I ever had until now, too.
I know it was a long shot, but I really thought he'd get the kid to the Fireflies.
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She tell you what happened? She just said - no dice, didn't work.
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[And that doesn't feel enough to her. She looks at Arthur plainly.]
But there's no reason it had to stop there. There'd gotta be someone in the fucking country who can use her. There's always more Fireflies, there's more QZs, there has to be someone... but he just settled with her in Wyoming.
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Think he got scared?
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Must’ve. I guess he got attached or something. Crazy, considering I had to convince him she was just cargo.
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Easy to get attached. Human being and all. Ain't it?
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He took that kid from Boston to fucking Wyoming on foot because I told him to. I know that’s what happened. But what pisses me off is that after ten years he was still playing head games with me about not getting attached, but then in less than a year he goes and adopts a kid.
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