dog_eat_dog | IC Inbox

Yup. The building was built closer to your time than mine, and it was probably in pretty rough shape even when I was a kid.

[ Joel's apartment is at the end of the hall on the second floor, and Tess unlocks it and let them in. The apartment is dim, the windows spattered with spray paint to cut the light, and it does little to obscure the water stained ceilings and beat-up furniture. The plaster of one wall is falling away entirely. The kitchen is barren, and the back wall is lined with boxes and storage bins.

She sets the jerrycan onto the table.]

I hated this place anyway.

Well, it's a shithole, so no wonder.

[He swings the sledgehammer away from his shoulder, and holds it out for her.]

Assume that's where you wanna start.

Mmhmm.

[She takes it from him, and she walks across the room with it. Anger roils in her belly, strong enough that she almost feels nauseous, but she’s here and she decided to do this, so she’s gonna do it. She’s locked in.

She knows exactly what she came here for.

She slips into the bedroom and opens the closet, and she grabs the old guitar by the neck and lifts it out. She brings it back and drops it on the floor in the main room. It lands with a hollow thunk. It’s already seen better days and it has no strings left. Tess spaces her hands out on the sledgehammer and lines up a swing and brings it down right on the body like an executioner; it collapses with a loud crack.

It’s not even half as satisfying as she hoped. It just leaves her feeling more agitated than before.]

[Arthur has put himself against the kitchen counter. His arms are crossed, and his legs are crossed at the ankle as he leans and observes.

No comment. He can see that didn't satisfy her; there's no need for him to talk about it.]

[Tess just stands there a minute, her grip on the sledgehammer iron-tight and her jaw set and her heart hammering. She just feels mad about it, robbed of her time and robbed of being able to take it out on who deserves it most and robbed of even being able to feel satisfied over it.

She just kicks the wreckage of the guitar across the room. Mutters: ]

Fuck.

[He waits another minute, but when she mutters that curse he nods.]

That his?

Yeah.

[She heaves a frustrated sigh.]

Was. And none of this is fucking real, anyway.

Think that's why it don't feel too good?

Maybe.

What would he care, anyway? He made a whole new fucking life with the kid. He never came back here.

That bother you?

[She wants to deny it with every fiber of her being but she’s here to fucking wreck his shit. She knows it.]

Yeah. Doesn’t matter though. He’s dead. Dead to me, too.

Would you've felt different if he'd come back here? You was still gonna be dead, Tess.

[She drops the sledgehammer aside deliberately just to round on him:]

I was supposed to be dead and never find out about any of this shit!

[He remains calm in the face of that anger, knowing he deserves it, knowing she likely needs it. He can function as a lightning rod.]

I ran like that for years, Tess. I ran like that even more before I came here. You think you can do anythin', because you're just gonna die soon.

[He shakes his head, a light grimace on his face.]

But you know you can't live like that, now. You can have your anger, but you gotta change that as much as I do.

[She moves towards him like she might push him, but there's no sense in that when he's up against the counter already, so she just crowds him, fuming.]

How the fuck am I supposed to change, huh? I died for a kid I don't know and a man who moved on from me like I was nothing, and then they went on to be a happy little family until he got his skull caved in by some other survivor.

Every single person in my world is competition. I don't get to live any other way.

[He doesn't move a muscle when she crowds him. He accepts that he's said something hard, maybe even a little cruel. She can get into his face about it. As long as she gets that damn anger out somehow.]

That ain't what I meant. I'm talking reckless, Tess. You're letting grief and anger do the talkin', and you can let 'em. Just don't keep 'em.

[Tess doesn't shout, exactly, but her voice lifts, heated, right in his face:]

What the fuck do you want me to do? Scream? Cry? I'm sick of it. All I've ever gotten to keep is anger and grief, so I'm going to burn the last ten years. Fuck Joel. He didn't waste a minute on me, and I've wasted enough on him.

You want to scream, you scream. You wanna cry, you should damn well cry-

But I don't think you're bein' honest about why you want to break his guitar.

Honest?

[ Arthur’s been nothing but honest with her, but she’s not even sure where to start. How to explain everything, even if she wanted to?

All she wants to do is throw him under the bus, forget her feelings.]

You know he had a little girl, once? A daughter. Whole time I’ve known him, he’s rarely said a word about her. And his whole life is like that, doesn’t talk about anyone who’s dead or gone, and I knew he’d do it to me too. I knew he would. No matter what, he’d still leave me with a fucking apartment and a guitar, and he’d go on and make a life elsewhere like I never existed.

And Ellie says... [ Fuck, she’s trying not to choke up with anger. ] She says she’s his kid now! He settles down and plays daddy with the kid I had to beg him to take the minute I’m gone? He couldn’t even do the one thing that I asked him to do! Fuck him!

[He'd tell her he understands Joel's behavior. He had a little boy, once, and he never talks about him, or the kid's mother. It hurts too much to talk about, and so he doesn't, and the longer he went the fewer people knew about them, and the easier it got to just move on with his life. To forget that deep scar on his soul.

But she keeps going, and he swallows his words. Sometimes people remain in the past; but the people left behind don't have to enjoy it. He can respect that. He can understand that. He's been left often enough. He's keeping it up for her, even though he desperately wants to just pull her in for an embrace or taunt her so she can punch him and get it out that way.]

You know what- you're damn right. Fuck him. Fuck that guy for not following through on what you was tryin' to do. And fuck him for not talking to Ellie about you. You deserved a hell of a lot better than that.

Right? Jesus fucking Christ, I asked him for one fucking thing after ten years together and he couldn’t follow through.

[In the heat of the moment it’s easy to hate him. Easier to throw things.

She paces away, storming around like a zoo animal.]

I was right to keep him at arm’s length. Obviously that’s how it always was for him. Just... just business.

[Arthur crosses his arms again, and broods on the wisdom of telling her, again. Maybe now isn't the time. But still...]

Maybe so. Maybe that's how it was for him.

I don’t know if that’s worse. [Bitter.] Otherwise it’s me, he chose to keep that shit from me. Having to piece together his life from his brother, from little bits when he was drunk or hurt. Shit he’d say in his sleep.

[She breathes a long, aggravated sigh, running both hands through her hair.]

But he was with me for ten years, what kind of sociopath does that?

[Fuck. He shakes his head and runs a hand through his beard, unconsciously mirroring her with her hands in her hair.]

Some things... some things are so difficult to talk about that you can't. Especially with people that matter to you.

I don't know the fella. I might well be wrong. But I... [He takes a deep breath, and for this he can't meet her eyes. He told Rains Fall, but he thought he was dying, then. And the old man had something about him that just made Arthur talk. But he can't remember who he'd talked to about this with after he'd gotten back to Dutch and Hosea that first time.]

Well, I had a kid, too. Once. And I had... I had a lot of pain and fear that I never talked to no one about, besides that. And it weren't a good thing, that I didn't. But I could understand part of it.

[Tess doesn’t reply for a moment, still pacing, but she stops at the counter and leans her elbows on it and slouches there for a moment. Of course. Of course Arthur knows something of that too, because he knows something of everything.]

It fucked him up, it fucked me up, it’ll fuck Ellie up, too. Maybe already has.

[She saw it on her face.

She takes a deep breath.]

What happened to your kid?

[Prove it’s so hard.]

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