We were never going to be able to get married or live a normal life, and we're a little old for boyfriend and girlfriend, so "partner" is just what we had.
No bouquets, no bullets. He was just the kind of guy who got doors, pulled out chairs, ladies first and all that. I'd laugh it off but I loved it. But I never had to worry when I was with him, I knew he was there to back me up, and he'd take point without needing to be asked. Providing mattered to him. Real men take care of their people.
Joel was not an easy man to be with, either. He had a lot of fucking baggage –– and I thought I could live with that. But after ten years together, hearing he could just... go on and become a different person after I left the picture? That still doesn't sit right.
I could be accused of doing the same thing. So I'm not seeing what the issue is here. How did he become a different person? Fill in some of these blanks for me.
Well, we're not talking about you, we're talking about Joel.
[And her, for once, though she does not like being dragged into the deep end of this topic. It's happened so many times lately, this nonsense where she tries to talk about how she feels about something and it turns into this fucked up game where she has to prove she's justified in having feelings about her own problems. It drives her insane.]
I can't lay out ten years of a relationship just like that.
He's a family man, an honest part of his community. He has a house where he hangs up pictures. He couldn't be honest with me but he can go and be a father? Something's fucked up about that.
[Pagan's quiet. Thoughtful, which isn't really like him at all. He stands up, deciding that he definitely needs another drink after this, and pours a bit more into his glass.]
How long has it been? People change after shit like that happens, Tess.
[He turns around, raising his glass as he speaks.] You're not mad that he changed, you're just mad that you were with him for ten years and nothing you did could make him into that guy. Am I close?
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Probably for the best it didn't work out, but we were partners for about a decade. He was dedicated. Loyal. An old-fashioned romantic, too.
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Details, Tess. I've sworn all this shit off, so now I need to live vicariously through your shit.
What's romance to you? A fucking bouquet of rifles? Bullets in a heart on the bed?
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[Vague. Somewhat impersonal, privately negotiated.]
No bouquets, no bullets. He was just the kind of guy who got doors, pulled out chairs, ladies first and all that. I'd laugh it off but I loved it. But I never had to worry when I was with him, I knew he was there to back me up, and he'd take point without needing to be asked. Providing mattered to him. Real men take care of their people.
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Yeah, well, sounds like a fucking bore. [Said not quite seriously.]
Still, you're a tough bitch, so if it worked for you, then it worked for you. What happened?
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[A shake of her head, but it's good-natured enough.]
I died. Told the kid to never mention me again, locked me away in his memories with everyone else he's ever lost. Moved on.
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How'd that work out for you? Or...him?
[Moving on after losing someone you were that close to always seems fake to Pagan. No one is ever able to do that.]
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I was supposed to be dead. I wasn’t supposed to find out about his life after me.
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What did you want from him? What the fuck did you expect him to be like after you died?
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Joel was not an easy man to be with, either. He had a lot of fucking baggage –– and I thought I could live with that. But after ten years together, hearing he could just... go on and become a different person after I left the picture? That still doesn't sit right.
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I could be accused of doing the same thing. So I'm not seeing what the issue is here. How did he become a different person? Fill in some of these blanks for me.
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[And her, for once, though she does not like being dragged into the deep end of this topic. It's happened so many times lately, this nonsense where she tries to talk about how she feels about something and it turns into this fucked up game where she has to prove she's justified in having feelings about her own problems. It drives her insane.]
I can't lay out ten years of a relationship just like that.
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Well, give me the highlights, then.
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Men like Joel never say you matter to them. It was ten years of reading between the lines.
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[He doesn't exactly have a high opinion of him at the moment, though eh doubts that it matters.]
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So what's he like now? I mean, after you?
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[She shakes her head.]
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How long has it been? People change after shit like that happens, Tess.
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[Why not for her? Or rather...]
It's that he couldn't do that for me when I was alive. I had to die for him to make an effort.
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[He turns around, raising his glass as he speaks.] You're not mad that he changed, you're just mad that you were with him for ten years and nothing you did could make him into that guy. Am I close?
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I'm just glad I'll probably never see him again. He moved on. It's better if I do too.
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Oh sure. Yeah. Move the fuck on, Tess. Like it's so easy. You really think you're gonna do that?
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