Anyone can do that, she could say, and she’s tempted to, but that gets filed away too. It’s not the point.
“Yeah,” she replies, favouring it. “It just feels so undramatic. In movies there’s always this big moment, people swear they’re going to be different, like it’s this big life and death thing. I’m just waiting for everything to explode in my face.”
See where she comes out in the wreckage. That’s been her whole life, anyway.
This feels like a big conversation to be having, but Arthur is nothing if
not calm. He can look outwardly relaxed while being aware that this might
be a moment - like so many that they've had.
"I don't know that I did, until the Admiral came and asked me to join up.
What would explode in your face?"
"So did I - and a lot of the heinous shit I did, I did just because I
didn't care enough. But I started to care."
He shrugs, and takes the few steps down to the Enclosure's door. "Weren't a
big moment for me. But sometimes I had a choice between stealing or giving,
and I started to choose giving. I started to see that it was a
choice, most of the time."
"I don't reckon he thinks I'm gonna do everything right after I get back,"
he says, before holding up a finger - he needs to set the scene. He picks a
favorite of theirs, the plains of New Hanover, the strange, jutting rocks
creating enough interest that it's not just an endless plain. The horses
are waiting for them when he opens the door.
"You think every warden makes every decision the right way, all the time?
You think I do that, now?"
Fresh air. The world may still be bigger and more open than she likes, but the smell of fresh air still feels wonderful, each and every time. (A little balance to dealing with horses; eighteen months later, Tess still maintains they stink.)
“I don’t mean in general,” she replies. “I mean, when we go get Abigail back, when you face Dutch… you’re solid?”
What’s to say she won’t lose her head, out in the real world, beyond the sterile and controlled environment of the barge?
He climbs onto the horse and turns it to look at her as he replies. "Yeah.
Yeah - I guess I don't even think about it. We get her back, we get John
back - and Dutch..."
He trails off and looks out, towards Valentine. "Maybe what I needed was
distance from him. He don't control me the way he used to."
He grins at the sight of her mounting that easily. Good girl. He doesn't
respond for a good few minutes while they start riding, until he raises his
voice enough to be heard over the hoofbeats.
"I'll tell him he was like a father to me, and that he was a damn fool to
throw what we all had together away. And that I'm ready to go my own way,
and not his."
He looks at her, almost hoping to hear if that sounds good enough.
That feels like a pressing concern; her plans for the future have included helping him for a long time, and they should, given everything he's done for her, and all the ways he's supported her.
Testing out her own graduation with a potential gunfight feels dicy. The idea of seeing Arthur harmed after settling her own future feels even worse.
He snorts and shakes his head. "He's too much of a coward. Ain't we always
do the killin' for him? He might take up his gun, but he won't dare shoot
me. And I won't try to shoot him, neither."
"I'd kill him if he tried to kill me. But if I get the chance, I'll just
take revenge on him by havin' a happy life."
He remembers something and snorts before asking her: "You know what he
liked to call me? Black Lung. Never woulda thought that wouldn't be true no
more."
He rides a little closer to her, so they can speak more easily. "Do I think
I deserve it?" He shrugs and shakes his head.
"No. But I owe it to you at the very least. If no one else, I gotta do my
best. And Jake's already out there. I got a house to build, and a horse to
take care of. And when you're gonna join me, too, I don't see a way in
which I won't be at least satisfied."
Eighteen months together and she'd certainly hope so. She takes a second longer to figure out her horse's pace, to match it to his, but she manages.
"That's true." She will be there eventually, when she's done graduating someone in turn. "I'm happy for you. You earned it. When I get my own deal, it won't have happened without you."
And who knows how many hundreds of thousands of lives that could save, in the long run? Maybe even what's left of humanity.
He hums out low sound, then takes a deep breath. He can feel it in her.
She's ready. He is, too, but it feels so big.
"Someone's gonna be so damn lucky to get you to help 'em, Tess. And havin'
been here with you, all this time, it's been an honor. One of the best
things I did in my life."
Lucky to have her. Tess smiles a little ruefully –– she and Arthur have had a good relationship. Even in the ugly moments, it worked for her. The idea of pairing with someone else after that feels a little nightmarish, even if their partnership won't end with it.
"I hope you know you've set the bar extremely fucking high," she replies, a little bit like she's joking, but she's serious, too. "You're probably the best man I've ever known in my life."
And maybe that isn't by most people's standards, given what he's done in his life, but it is to hers, and that means something.
He's always a little slow to talk, but it's worse today. Everything she
says hits home hard, and he wants to really remember every moment of this.
The sun is hanging low in the sky, but he knows it'll be a while before it
sets. In the distance he can see the silhouettes of some buffalo.
One day she's going to join him in the real thing. They'll hunt together,
and ride together, and eat what they caught in the lake. They both know
what's happening. No need to pretend.
"I wouldn't have believed that, when you first met me. But I believe it
comin' from you. Makes me feel - " He takes another breath. "I don't know.
Not that it makes everything I did alright. But it's at least led me to the
right place."
We're real survivors, she feels, with a burst of intensity that has her sitting up in the saddle a little straighter. Not just vultures on the world, waiting around to greedily scoop up what's left of others' misfortunes, looking to destroy rather than build. No need to kill people, no need to grind them under their boot, no need to shake them down for everything of value.
Tess looks at him and measures up the distance between their horses, and then she decides to veer her horse in even closer with a tug of the reins. Second rider incoming to your saddle, Arthur.
It makes him laugh, a low chuckle as he remembers the woman who
hated horses, who asked someone to give her lessons just so she
could ride with him. And look at her now. Look at them now.
He reaches out with one hand, and takes hers in his, tightly. "You made it,
lady. You did it. I was happy to be along for the ride."
He squeezes her hand. "I love you. I mean that very, very seriously."
She could laugh at being called a lady, she could laugh about him being along for the ride when she made it a hard one, but most of all she's caught by the momentary urge to look away –– how embarrassing to be loved in all sincerity, and to want to run with it and never let it go.
But it is true, and she digs deep in her heart to take it for what it is. It brushes up against her own feeling that this man may not have been the partner she chose, but nonetheless has come to mean more to her than anyone. How miserable it would be to be a person who shied away from that, or in another timeline, even killed him herself. She really could have, all those months ago, buried in her own sense of entitlement towards the world. That all feels distant now. Ancient history.
Tess laces her fingers with his, matching his grip. Lets herself smile genuinely.
"I love you too, Arthur." Even fonder, her favourite pet name: "Outlaw."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
“Yeah,” she replies, favouring it. “It just feels so undramatic. In movies there’s always this big moment, people swear they’re going to be different, like it’s this big life and death thing. I’m just waiting for everything to explode in my face.”
See where she comes out in the wreckage. That’s been her whole life, anyway.
“How did you know you were a good enough person?”
no subject
This feels like a big conversation to be having, but Arthur is nothing if not calm. He can look outwardly relaxed while being aware that this might be a moment - like so many that they've had.
"I don't know that I did, until the Admiral came and asked me to join up. What would explode in your face?"
no subject
Not all of it was to survive, but some of it was.
no subject
"So did I - and a lot of the heinous shit I did, I did just because I didn't care enough. But I started to care."
He shrugs, and takes the few steps down to the Enclosure's door. "Weren't a big moment for me. But sometimes I had a choice between stealing or giving, and I started to choose giving. I started to see that it was a choice, most of the time."
no subject
“You think the Admiral knows you’re going to go back to your life after this and make all the right choices?”
no subject
"I don't reckon he thinks I'm gonna do everything right after I get back," he says, before holding up a finger - he needs to set the scene. He picks a favorite of theirs, the plains of New Hanover, the strange, jutting rocks creating enough interest that it's not just an endless plain. The horses are waiting for them when he opens the door.
"You think every warden makes every decision the right way, all the time? You think I do that, now?"
no subject
“I don’t mean in general,” she replies. “I mean, when we go get Abigail back, when you face Dutch… you’re solid?”
What’s to say she won’t lose her head, out in the real world, beyond the sterile and controlled environment of the barge?
no subject
He climbs onto the horse and turns it to look at her as he replies. "Yeah. Yeah - I guess I don't even think about it. We get her back, we get John back - and Dutch..."
He trails off and looks out, towards Valentine. "Maybe what I needed was distance from him. He don't control me the way he used to."
no subject
“Distance makes some things clearer.” Time, too. “What are you going to tell him?”
Unspoken: Do you have to kill him?
no subject
He grins at the sight of her mounting that easily. Good girl. He doesn't respond for a good few minutes while they start riding, until he raises his voice enough to be heard over the hoofbeats.
"I'll tell him he was like a father to me, and that he was a damn fool to throw what we all had together away. And that I'm ready to go my own way, and not his."
He looks at her, almost hoping to hear if that sounds good enough.
no subject
“As you should,” she agrees. “And he can go fuck himself if he doesn’t like it, but… do you think he’s going to take that well?”
She wouldn’t have. Not for an instant.
no subject
"He won't take it well," he predicts. "And right he shouldn't. He ruined it for himself, but he can't accept that. I doubt he ever will."
no subject
That feels like a pressing concern; her plans for the future have included helping him for a long time, and they should, given everything he's done for her, and all the ways he's supported her.
Testing out her own graduation with a potential gunfight feels dicy. The idea of seeing Arthur harmed after settling her own future feels even worse.
no subject
He snorts and shakes his head. "He's too much of a coward. Ain't we always do the killin' for him? He might take up his gun, but he won't dare shoot me. And I won't try to shoot him, neither."
no subject
"That's good, at least," she replies. "And Micah?"
no subject
"I'd kill him if he tried to kill me. But if I get the chance, I'll just take revenge on him by havin' a happy life."
He remembers something and snorts before asking her: "You know what he liked to call me? Black Lung. Never woulda thought that wouldn't be true no more."
no subject
His future had always seemed so self-sacrificial, so guilty, mired in what he could do for Abigail and then packing it in, come what may.
no subject
"Sometimes I forget how well you know me."
He rides a little closer to her, so they can speak more easily. "Do I think I deserve it?" He shrugs and shakes his head.
"No. But I owe it to you at the very least. If no one else, I gotta do my best. And Jake's already out there. I got a house to build, and a horse to take care of. And when you're gonna join me, too, I don't see a way in which I won't be at least satisfied."
no subject
"That's true." She will be there eventually, when she's done graduating someone in turn. "I'm happy for you. You earned it. When I get my own deal, it won't have happened without you."
And who knows how many hundreds of thousands of lives that could save, in the long run? Maybe even what's left of humanity.
no subject
He hums out low sound, then takes a deep breath. He can feel it in her. She's ready. He is, too, but it feels so big.
"Someone's gonna be so damn lucky to get you to help 'em, Tess. And havin' been here with you, all this time, it's been an honor. One of the best things I did in my life."
no subject
"I hope you know you've set the bar extremely fucking high," she replies, a little bit like she's joking, but she's serious, too. "You're probably the best man I've ever known in my life."
And maybe that isn't by most people's standards, given what he's done in his life, but it is to hers, and that means something.
no subject
He's always a little slow to talk, but it's worse today. Everything she says hits home hard, and he wants to really remember every moment of this. The sun is hanging low in the sky, but he knows it'll be a while before it sets. In the distance he can see the silhouettes of some buffalo.
One day she's going to join him in the real thing. They'll hunt together, and ride together, and eat what they caught in the lake. They both know what's happening. No need to pretend.
"I wouldn't have believed that, when you first met me. But I believe it comin' from you. Makes me feel - " He takes another breath. "I don't know. Not that it makes everything I did alright. But it's at least led me to the right place."
no subject
We're real survivors, she feels, with a burst of intensity that has her sitting up in the saddle a little straighter. Not just vultures on the world, waiting around to greedily scoop up what's left of others' misfortunes, looking to destroy rather than build. No need to kill people, no need to grind them under their boot, no need to shake them down for everything of value.
Tess looks at him and measures up the distance between their horses, and then she decides to veer her horse in even closer with a tug of the reins. Second rider incoming to your saddle, Arthur.
no subject
It makes him laugh, a low chuckle as he remembers the woman who hated horses, who asked someone to give her lessons just so she could ride with him. And look at her now. Look at them now.
He reaches out with one hand, and takes hers in his, tightly. "You made it, lady. You did it. I was happy to be along for the ride."
He squeezes her hand. "I love you. I mean that very, very seriously."
no subject
But it is true, and she digs deep in her heart to take it for what it is. It brushes up against her own feeling that this man may not have been the partner she chose, but nonetheless has come to mean more to her than anyone. How miserable it would be to be a person who shied away from that, or in another timeline, even killed him herself. She really could have, all those months ago, buried in her own sense of entitlement towards the world. That all feels distant now. Ancient history.
Tess laces her fingers with his, matching his grip. Lets herself smile genuinely.
"I love you too, Arthur." Even fonder, her favourite pet name: "Outlaw."
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)