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[dog_eat_dog]

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[crab_rangoon]

[He groans.]

This face was not meant for a beard. And Wranglers? Tess. You want me to wear denim?

I've told you about Ajay and his denim and zippered jackets. You might have liked him. Bit young for you, though. He's also more of the hot headed revolutionary sort.

Actually...[He takes out his phone from home, with all his pictures still on it, and scrolls to his selfie with Ajay at their ill-fated reunion. He hands it to her, the screen showing Pagan, grinning with obvious flecks of scarlet on his face and Ajay, looking absolutely shocked.]

There. That's Ajay. Don't mind the blood, though. Can't trust soldiers to do anything fucking right.

[dog_eat_dog]

[Tess grins. She's not a stranger to Wranglers herself, and the blood doesn't even register until he mentions it.]

Mmm, he's cute, but he's way too young, and I don't do revolutionaries anymore.

[A little grin.]

I like older men. My last partner was fifty-two.

[crab_rangoon]

Fifty two. Older than me. Good for you!

[He sits back again, crossing his legs.]

How did that go for you? Now you can talk about your fucking life for once.

[dog_eat_dog]

[An amused little huff.]

Probably for the best it didn't work out, but we were partners for about a decade. He was dedicated. Loyal. An old-fashioned romantic, too.

[crab_rangoon]

[He grins.] Wait, wait. It didn't work out but you were together for a decade? Or is this another definition of partner?

Details, Tess. I've sworn all this shit off, so now I need to live vicariously through your shit.

What's romance to you? A fucking bouquet of rifles? Bullets in a heart on the bed?

[dog_eat_dog]

We were never going to be able to get married or live a normal life, and we're a little old for boyfriend and girlfriend, so "partner" is just what we had.

[Vague. Somewhat impersonal, privately negotiated.]

No bouquets, no bullets. He was just the kind of guy who got doors, pulled out chairs, ladies first and all that. I'd laugh it off but I loved it. But I never had to worry when I was with him, I knew he was there to back me up, and he'd take point without needing to be asked. Providing mattered to him. Real men take care of their people.

[crab_rangoon]

[Pagan's not sure if that last sentence is a dig or not, but it's probably more telling that he thinks it might be. He sets his mouth into a line.]

Yeah, well, sounds like a fucking bore. [Said not quite seriously.]

Still, you're a tough bitch, so if it worked for you, then it worked for you. What happened?

[dog_eat_dog]

It was the best part of the last ten years.

[A shake of her head, but it's good-natured enough.]

I died. Told the kid to never mention me again, locked me away in his memories with everyone else he's ever lost. Moved on.

[crab_rangoon]

The kid? Ellie? [He recalls snatches of conversation about her.]

How'd that work out for you? Or...him?

[Moving on after losing someone you were that close to always seems fake to Pagan. No one is ever able to do that.]

[dog_eat_dog]

Yeah, that's Ellie. And he's fine. Me, I've spent the past few months so pissed off at him I can barely stand it.

[crab_rangoon]

Pissed off at him? What the fuck for?

[dog_eat_dog]

[A thousand reasons. All impossible to summarize.]

I was supposed to be dead. I wasn’t supposed to find out about his life after me.

[crab_rangoon]

[Pagan frowns. That sounds...stupid. He's smart enough not to voice it that way.]

What did you want from him? What the fuck did you expect him to be like after you died?

[dog_eat_dog]

[She gives him a dry look.]

Joel was not an easy man to be with, either. He had a lot of fucking baggage –– and I thought I could live with that. But after ten years together, hearing he could just... go on and become a different person after I left the picture? That still doesn't sit right.

[crab_rangoon]

[He scoffs.]

I could be accused of doing the same thing. So I'm not seeing what the issue is here. How did he become a different person? Fill in some of these blanks for me.

[dog_eat_dog]

Well, we're not talking about you, we're talking about Joel.

[And her, for once, though she does not like being dragged into the deep end of this topic. It's happened so many times lately, this nonsense where she tries to talk about how she feels about something and it turns into this fucked up game where she has to prove she's justified in having feelings about her own problems. It drives her insane.]

I can't lay out ten years of a relationship just like that.

[crab_rangoon]

[It's a fair point and, though he wants to argue, he doesn't.]

Well, give me the highlights, then.

[dog_eat_dog]

[She nods.]

Men like Joel never say you matter to them. It was ten years of reading between the lines.

[crab_rangoon]

That sounds fucking exhausting, Tess. Romance or no.

[He doesn't exactly have a high opinion of him at the moment, though eh doubts that it matters.]

[dog_eat_dog]

It was exhausting. But that's who he was, and no one else will ever understand him like I did.

[crab_rangoon]

[Pagan leans forward again.]

So what's he like now? I mean, after you?

[dog_eat_dog]

He's a family man, an honest part of his community. He has a house where he hangs up pictures. He couldn't be honest with me but he can go and be a father? Something's fucked up about that.

[She shakes her head.]

[crab_rangoon]

[Pagan's quiet. Thoughtful, which isn't really like him at all. He stands up, deciding that he definitely needs another drink after this, and pours a bit more into his glass.]

How long has it been? People change after shit like that happens, Tess.

[dog_eat_dog]

Five years. I know people change. It's...

[Why not for her? Or rather...]

It's that he couldn't do that for me when I was alive. I had to die for him to make an effort.

[crab_rangoon]

Ah, there it is.

[He turns around, raising his glass as he speaks.] You're not mad that he changed, you're just mad that you were with him for ten years and nothing you did could make him into that guy. Am I close?