[He's more relaxed than he was, finally finding his footing around her. It was slow going for a while, but all he needed was to hear it and he could allow himself to let go a bit. At least now he knows where the words come from.]
Ah, I apologized to Misty for one thing. Cut things clean with Steve. Now I don't fucking know. That's a lot for a few weeks, thank you very much. Maybe I'll just spend the rest of the month perpetually drunk and avoiding the mistletoe.
I haven't ever really done Christmas, so this shit just seems excessive.
Yeah, that’s a lot for people like us. Good, though. [Coming from the person who can’t stop thinking of how to make things right with her own warden. Trust is fickle.]
I’ve yet to have a mistletoe incident and I hope to keep it that way.
[She chuckles. Of all the things for Steve to repeat...]
You want to be rugged? You go change into a plaid button-up and Wranglers, go camping for a week, grow out a beard. Then come back and reno this cabin for me, yeah?
This face was not meant for a beard. And Wranglers? Tess. You want me to wear denim?
I've told you about Ajay and his denim and zippered jackets. You might have liked him. Bit young for you, though. He's also more of the hot headed revolutionary sort.
Actually...[He takes out his phone from home, with all his pictures still on it, and scrolls to his selfie with Ajay at their ill-fated reunion. He hands it to her, the screen showing Pagan, grinning with obvious flecks of scarlet on his face and Ajay, looking absolutely shocked.]
There. That's Ajay. Don't mind the blood, though. Can't trust soldiers to do anything fucking right.
We were never going to be able to get married or live a normal life, and we're a little old for boyfriend and girlfriend, so "partner" is just what we had.
No bouquets, no bullets. He was just the kind of guy who got doors, pulled out chairs, ladies first and all that. I'd laugh it off but I loved it. But I never had to worry when I was with him, I knew he was there to back me up, and he'd take point without needing to be asked. Providing mattered to him. Real men take care of their people.
Joel was not an easy man to be with, either. He had a lot of fucking baggage –– and I thought I could live with that. But after ten years together, hearing he could just... go on and become a different person after I left the picture? That still doesn't sit right.
I could be accused of doing the same thing. So I'm not seeing what the issue is here. How did he become a different person? Fill in some of these blanks for me.
Well, we're not talking about you, we're talking about Joel.
[And her, for once, though she does not like being dragged into the deep end of this topic. It's happened so many times lately, this nonsense where she tries to talk about how she feels about something and it turns into this fucked up game where she has to prove she's justified in having feelings about her own problems. It drives her insane.]
I can't lay out ten years of a relationship just like that.
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Ah, I apologized to Misty for one thing. Cut things clean with Steve. Now I don't fucking know. That's a lot for a few weeks, thank you very much. Maybe I'll just spend the rest of the month perpetually drunk and avoiding the mistletoe.
I haven't ever really done Christmas, so this shit just seems excessive.
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I’ve yet to have a mistletoe incident and I hope to keep it that way.
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You really going to tempt fate like that? Jesus Christ. [He takes another small drink.]
Mm, you know. I never did ask how your party went. Did you wear the dress? [He leans forward.] Did you fucking kill it?
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It went great. Lots of compliments, had a lot of fun. Might find more excuses to dress up, where I can, so thanks for that.
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You're welcome. Nice to know my hard work is appreciated.
[He pauses there, just for a brief moment, smirk turning a little more playful.]
Speaking of that, I'm offended you don't think I'm rugged enough for you. That hurts. When I do so much for you.
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You want to be rugged? You go change into a plaid button-up and Wranglers, go camping for a week, grow out a beard. Then come back and reno this cabin for me, yeah?
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This face was not meant for a beard. And Wranglers? Tess. You want me to wear denim?
I've told you about Ajay and his denim and zippered jackets. You might have liked him. Bit young for you, though. He's also more of the hot headed revolutionary sort.
Actually...[He takes out his phone from home, with all his pictures still on it, and scrolls to his selfie with Ajay at their ill-fated reunion. He hands it to her, the screen showing Pagan, grinning with obvious flecks of scarlet on his face and Ajay, looking absolutely shocked.]
There. That's Ajay. Don't mind the blood, though. Can't trust soldiers to do anything fucking right.
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Mmm, he's cute, but he's way too young, and I don't do revolutionaries anymore.
[A little grin.]
I like older men. My last partner was fifty-two.
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[He sits back again, crossing his legs.]
How did that go for you? Now you can talk about your fucking life for once.
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Probably for the best it didn't work out, but we were partners for about a decade. He was dedicated. Loyal. An old-fashioned romantic, too.
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Details, Tess. I've sworn all this shit off, so now I need to live vicariously through your shit.
What's romance to you? A fucking bouquet of rifles? Bullets in a heart on the bed?
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[Vague. Somewhat impersonal, privately negotiated.]
No bouquets, no bullets. He was just the kind of guy who got doors, pulled out chairs, ladies first and all that. I'd laugh it off but I loved it. But I never had to worry when I was with him, I knew he was there to back me up, and he'd take point without needing to be asked. Providing mattered to him. Real men take care of their people.
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Yeah, well, sounds like a fucking bore. [Said not quite seriously.]
Still, you're a tough bitch, so if it worked for you, then it worked for you. What happened?
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[A shake of her head, but it's good-natured enough.]
I died. Told the kid to never mention me again, locked me away in his memories with everyone else he's ever lost. Moved on.
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How'd that work out for you? Or...him?
[Moving on after losing someone you were that close to always seems fake to Pagan. No one is ever able to do that.]
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I was supposed to be dead. I wasn’t supposed to find out about his life after me.
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What did you want from him? What the fuck did you expect him to be like after you died?
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Joel was not an easy man to be with, either. He had a lot of fucking baggage –– and I thought I could live with that. But after ten years together, hearing he could just... go on and become a different person after I left the picture? That still doesn't sit right.
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I could be accused of doing the same thing. So I'm not seeing what the issue is here. How did he become a different person? Fill in some of these blanks for me.
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[And her, for once, though she does not like being dragged into the deep end of this topic. It's happened so many times lately, this nonsense where she tries to talk about how she feels about something and it turns into this fucked up game where she has to prove she's justified in having feelings about her own problems. It drives her insane.]
I can't lay out ten years of a relationship just like that.
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Well, give me the highlights, then.
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Men like Joel never say you matter to them. It was ten years of reading between the lines.
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[He doesn't exactly have a high opinion of him at the moment, though eh doubts that it matters.]
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