[He's grateful for the pass and, because of that, he listens, actually listens, and watches her over the top of his glass as he drinks. He has no reason to distrust her story. It checks out, though he hadn't ever known Yunlan to get that violent.
Still, Pagan remembers the look in his eyes when Yunlan thought Pagan had kept information about Tess from him.]
You two have been circling each other like fucking wolves. I knew he didn't like you but I didn't expect... [He gestures to her.] this.
Mmhmm! And that bullshit with Steve –– Steve gave me permission to take his blood. Even said it in front of Yunlan! Didn't matter. So it's alright by him if Steve is actively using his blood on you and god knows who else, but I can't even hold it without getting frisked, put in an armbar, and slammed against the wall. I gave him a pass that time.
[A sober look.]
But if he was willing to break my arm for trespassing, he might have killed me if I didn't get out of there by any means necessary, so the gloves are off.
Mm, you had me until you brought up Steve. There is no 'actively.' For the record, Yunlan didn't know about me and the V until it was already done and over with. And I haven't willingly touched the stuff since...Christ. Early October. So you have no argument there.
But yes, it seems he's been quite naughty lately. Especially with you.
[Something he might not have said a month ago, but things have changed.]
I'm sorry for assuming the worst. But you're still getting lectured for being stupid and getting hurt. And you should tell me, 'yes, Pagan, I understand that I've been a royal pain in your ass and I accept that you won't always take my side instantly because I like to yell at you.'
[He pauses to refill his drink.] That's too wordy, isn't it? Ah, well, something like that.
Relax, I've said my bit on you and Steve before; that's not my argument. You're big boys and you can do what you want. [Disagreement is a part of life. Survival matters more.] I'm just saying that Yunlan can't have it both ways –– he had to have known what V was capable of or else he wouldn't have cause to insist I couldn't have it. If he didn't know, then he made a choice to go after me without any reason.
[But anyway. Tess shakes her head.]
I'm completely aware that I'm a hardass, Pagan. Always have been. But I've never expected you to just fold. Hell, I'd have no respect for you if you did. What kind of man just crumbles at the slightest criticism?
[He huffs because he isn't actually that angry about it.]
I'm not going to fold, but I didn't want to talk to you because of what I told you. Because you were a fucking bitch about it. And I didn't want you to be a goddamn hardass for once. Clearly I was wrong to tell you anything. So it's back to bringing you drinks and pretending like you give a shit and you don't just like lecturing me to feel better about yourself.
Or is there another reason you've decided to take an interest in my affairs?
Nothing, you're just making me fucking squirrelly standing up like that.
[Genuinely:]
Trust me when I say I give a shit. I might not be the coziest person around, but I've spent a lot of time looking out for you. And from day one, you and I have had this war stories, who's the bigger bad-ass schtick going, so sorry if I didn't think you wanted me to hold your hand and mince words, alright?
I don't want you to hold my fucking hand. But maybe a little less stick and more carrot next time, huh?
[He stares at the dilapidated floor, eyes narrowed as he thinks.]
You were fucking right, though. Which, fuck you for making that a sentence I had to say. I was spinning my wheels for no good goddamn reason. So I've fixed it.
[Tess thinks about how many stories she’s heard about his life and how little he’s heard of hers — it’s almost what she intended, staring over in a place where no one knew her old life, but she’s not sure she envisioned this moment where he’s right about her and completely wrong. Oh well, she thinks. Sold an image of herself as cold and got what she was asking for.
She just gives a bare smile.]
I’m glad to hear it. What’s the game plan?
[She resists the urge to point out that the stick worked anyway.]
[He's more relaxed than he was, finally finding his footing around her. It was slow going for a while, but all he needed was to hear it and he could allow himself to let go a bit. At least now he knows where the words come from.]
Ah, I apologized to Misty for one thing. Cut things clean with Steve. Now I don't fucking know. That's a lot for a few weeks, thank you very much. Maybe I'll just spend the rest of the month perpetually drunk and avoiding the mistletoe.
I haven't ever really done Christmas, so this shit just seems excessive.
Yeah, that’s a lot for people like us. Good, though. [Coming from the person who can’t stop thinking of how to make things right with her own warden. Trust is fickle.]
I’ve yet to have a mistletoe incident and I hope to keep it that way.
[She chuckles. Of all the things for Steve to repeat...]
You want to be rugged? You go change into a plaid button-up and Wranglers, go camping for a week, grow out a beard. Then come back and reno this cabin for me, yeah?
This face was not meant for a beard. And Wranglers? Tess. You want me to wear denim?
I've told you about Ajay and his denim and zippered jackets. You might have liked him. Bit young for you, though. He's also more of the hot headed revolutionary sort.
Actually...[He takes out his phone from home, with all his pictures still on it, and scrolls to his selfie with Ajay at their ill-fated reunion. He hands it to her, the screen showing Pagan, grinning with obvious flecks of scarlet on his face and Ajay, looking absolutely shocked.]
There. That's Ajay. Don't mind the blood, though. Can't trust soldiers to do anything fucking right.
We were never going to be able to get married or live a normal life, and we're a little old for boyfriend and girlfriend, so "partner" is just what we had.
No bouquets, no bullets. He was just the kind of guy who got doors, pulled out chairs, ladies first and all that. I'd laugh it off but I loved it. But I never had to worry when I was with him, I knew he was there to back me up, and he'd take point without needing to be asked. Providing mattered to him. Real men take care of their people.
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Still, Pagan remembers the look in his eyes when Yunlan thought Pagan had kept information about Tess from him.]
You two have been circling each other like fucking wolves. I knew he didn't like you but I didn't expect... [He gestures to her.] this.
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Mmhmm! And that bullshit with Steve –– Steve gave me permission to take his blood. Even said it in front of Yunlan! Didn't matter. So it's alright by him if Steve is actively using his blood on you and god knows who else, but I can't even hold it without getting frisked, put in an armbar, and slammed against the wall. I gave him a pass that time.
[A sober look.]
But if he was willing to break my arm for trespassing, he might have killed me if I didn't get out of there by any means necessary, so the gloves are off.
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But yes, it seems he's been quite naughty lately. Especially with you.
[Something he might not have said a month ago, but things have changed.]
I'm sorry for assuming the worst. But you're still getting lectured for being stupid and getting hurt. And you should tell me, 'yes, Pagan, I understand that I've been a royal pain in your ass and I accept that you won't always take my side instantly because I like to yell at you.'
[He pauses to refill his drink.] That's too wordy, isn't it? Ah, well, something like that.
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Relax, I've said my bit on you and Steve before; that's not my argument. You're big boys and you can do what you want. [Disagreement is a part of life. Survival matters more.] I'm just saying that Yunlan can't have it both ways –– he had to have known what V was capable of or else he wouldn't have cause to insist I couldn't have it. If he didn't know, then he made a choice to go after me without any reason.
[But anyway. Tess shakes her head.]
I'm completely aware that I'm a hardass, Pagan. Always have been. But I've never expected you to just fold. Hell, I'd have no respect for you if you did. What kind of man just crumbles at the slightest criticism?
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I'm not going to fold, but I didn't want to talk to you because of what I told you. Because you were a fucking bitch about it. And I didn't want you to be a goddamn hardass for once. Clearly I was wrong to tell you anything. So it's back to bringing you drinks and pretending like you give a shit and you don't just like lecturing me to feel better about yourself.
Or is there another reason you've decided to take an interest in my affairs?
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You think I don't give a shit?
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Of course not. Why should you?
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Sit down, Pagan.
[Don't worry, it's rickety, but it's not going to collapse under you.]
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What's this about?
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[Genuinely:]
Trust me when I say I give a shit. I might not be the coziest person around, but I've spent a lot of time looking out for you. And from day one, you and I have had this war stories, who's the bigger bad-ass schtick going, so sorry if I didn't think you wanted me to hold your hand and mince words, alright?
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I don't want you to hold my fucking hand. But maybe a little less stick and more carrot next time, huh?
[He stares at the dilapidated floor, eyes narrowed as he thinks.]
You were fucking right, though. Which, fuck you for making that a sentence I had to say. I was spinning my wheels for no good goddamn reason. So I've fixed it.
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She just gives a bare smile.]
I’m glad to hear it. What’s the game plan?
[She resists the urge to point out that the stick worked anyway.]
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Ah, I apologized to Misty for one thing. Cut things clean with Steve. Now I don't fucking know. That's a lot for a few weeks, thank you very much. Maybe I'll just spend the rest of the month perpetually drunk and avoiding the mistletoe.
I haven't ever really done Christmas, so this shit just seems excessive.
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I’ve yet to have a mistletoe incident and I hope to keep it that way.
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You really going to tempt fate like that? Jesus Christ. [He takes another small drink.]
Mm, you know. I never did ask how your party went. Did you wear the dress? [He leans forward.] Did you fucking kill it?
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It went great. Lots of compliments, had a lot of fun. Might find more excuses to dress up, where I can, so thanks for that.
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You're welcome. Nice to know my hard work is appreciated.
[He pauses there, just for a brief moment, smirk turning a little more playful.]
Speaking of that, I'm offended you don't think I'm rugged enough for you. That hurts. When I do so much for you.
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You want to be rugged? You go change into a plaid button-up and Wranglers, go camping for a week, grow out a beard. Then come back and reno this cabin for me, yeah?
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This face was not meant for a beard. And Wranglers? Tess. You want me to wear denim?
I've told you about Ajay and his denim and zippered jackets. You might have liked him. Bit young for you, though. He's also more of the hot headed revolutionary sort.
Actually...[He takes out his phone from home, with all his pictures still on it, and scrolls to his selfie with Ajay at their ill-fated reunion. He hands it to her, the screen showing Pagan, grinning with obvious flecks of scarlet on his face and Ajay, looking absolutely shocked.]
There. That's Ajay. Don't mind the blood, though. Can't trust soldiers to do anything fucking right.
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Mmm, he's cute, but he's way too young, and I don't do revolutionaries anymore.
[A little grin.]
I like older men. My last partner was fifty-two.
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[He sits back again, crossing his legs.]
How did that go for you? Now you can talk about your fucking life for once.
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Probably for the best it didn't work out, but we were partners for about a decade. He was dedicated. Loyal. An old-fashioned romantic, too.
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Details, Tess. I've sworn all this shit off, so now I need to live vicariously through your shit.
What's romance to you? A fucking bouquet of rifles? Bullets in a heart on the bed?
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[Vague. Somewhat impersonal, privately negotiated.]
No bouquets, no bullets. He was just the kind of guy who got doors, pulled out chairs, ladies first and all that. I'd laugh it off but I loved it. But I never had to worry when I was with him, I knew he was there to back me up, and he'd take point without needing to be asked. Providing mattered to him. Real men take care of their people.
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Yeah, well, sounds like a fucking bore. [Said not quite seriously.]
Still, you're a tough bitch, so if it worked for you, then it worked for you. What happened?
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